I am His

     It’s been a time of change.  Since I had the revelation of Jesus as my lover, I realized many things in my life that needed to be changed.  New habits needed to be formed and old ones needed to be broken.  It hasn’t been an easy process, but where I am now is so much better then where I was before.

     Recently God has been really showing me that I am the bride of Christ.  This is something I never thought much about, I almost didn’t think it really applied to me.  But God has begun to change this.  He started by showing me that I need to be selfless and that my life is not my own, I am not on earth to please myself.  He has created me for Himself, I am not my own. 

     This concept of not being my own does not make sense to many people.  But thankfully God has been piecing it together for me and I am beginning to understand it better.  To help me understand God has used the image of marriage.  When you get married it’s not about what that person can do for you, it’s what you can do for them and how you can work together.  This is something I never really thought about.  Marriage is not about what you can get out of it, it’s about what you can give.  God has begun to show me that this is what a relationship with Him is supposed to look like.  I am not in this relationship because of what I can get, but it’s about what I can give.  This is only a piece of what God has been teaching me.

     Okay, back to the Bride of Christ.  This topic has come up a lot in the last couple weeks, so I began to ask God what it really means and why it seems so important to Him.  He showed me this verse in Ezekiel:

     ‘Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness.  I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine.’   Ezekiel 16:8

     This has been one of my biggest revelations from God.  To be completely honest this year has been a struggle for me in the area of being single.  I have been surrounded by people who are either married, engaged or in a serious relationship and I have started to not be content in my singleness.  And I have been fighting to focus my eyes on God and fully surrender this area of my life to Him.  But when He gave me this verse it spoke right to my heart.

     He said, “Hannah, I saw that you were old enough to want someone to love you, so I spread my love over you and covered you.  I give you my solemn oath and I am entering into a covenant with you.  You have become mine and I have become yours.”

     I can’t even tell you how much this affected me.  I am the bride of Christ. And this sounds so strange to me, but I am the wife of Jesus. The wife. This changes everything, your whole life, completely rearranged.  My whole view of life has changed.  When you are married you don’t look at other guys, you don’t live by yourself, and you have to think about the other person more than yourself.  It’s all different!  I didn’t think I would be experiencing marriage yet, but I am.  And this is weird to write and many people won’t get this, but I do, I’m beginning to get it.   I am called to give everything I am to God.  Marriage was created by God not just for a man and a woman, but for man and God and women and God.

This is one of the most amazing revelation ever. 

First or Last?

     Lately God has been reminding me that I need to live the lifestyle of a servant.  It has been a while since I thought about God’s view of a servant.  All throughout the gospels Jesus talks about being a servant.  All throughout the gospels Jesus demonstrates to us what it looks like to be a servant.

     Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant and whoever wants to be first must be your slave­- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.  Matthew 20:26-28

                           

     Jesus said, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all.” Mark 9:35

     What a challenge. Do you want to be great in the eyes of man or God?  I know that I want to be seen as great in the eyes of God.  I want to be a servant.  It’s an entire lifestyle change.  It’s not just one or two things I need to work on.  I need to get in the mindset that I am a slave; I am servant and I have one master and I only do what He asks and desires.  It’s not easy.  But it’s so worth it.  Do I want to be first now and last later when I stand before God?  Or do I want to be last now and first before God?

    Jesus is a wonderful example of a servant, fully a slave to God’s want’s and desires.  He never did anything without the direction from God.  He served so beautifully, I just can’t help but want to do the same.  I want to put others before myself.  I want to really care about others.  What an amazing way to show that you really care, by putting other people’s needs before your own!

    Oh God, I want that.  Lord, help me to deny myself and all my selfish desires.  Help me to be selfless and put you and others first.

Oh Lover of my Soul

      How do you explain to someone what it feels like to fall in love?  It’s one of those things that no one knows how to explain, you just have to experience it for yourself.  But here I am, trying to find the words to describe to you what’s going on in my heart right now.

      The past couple weeks I was really struggling, every night I was reminded that I have a hole.  Every night I sat crying out to God to fill it.  I didn’t understand what was really going on at first.  I just knew I had a hole in my life and I was trying to fill it with all the wrong things.

     So here is my hole.  I need to feel loved.  I need to know that someone loves me, and it couldn’t be just anyone.  Here I am surrounded by people who are in love, either with God or another person.  And here I was, not in love with anyone.  Oh I have been feeling so left out.  I want to experience love, and not some cheap, crappy love, but I want to experience real, sweet, joyful love.  The kind that puts a smile on your face, makes your toes tingle and all that good stuff that people say love makes you feel.

     But here I was, stuck.  I didn’t want to fall in love with some guy, I have been told enough times that a guy will never satisfy the real longing I feel inside.  I knew the only way to really experience love was with God… but how do you fall in love with someone that you view as your Father?  All my life I have been told, God is your Father, he’s your daddy and you’re his daughter.  So how to I change this view I have as God as a father into God as a lover?  To me, it just seemed so awkward.

     So I began to pray.  I began to cry out to God because I know that he is the only one who could change this view I had of Him.

     ‘Lord, I do not want this area in my life to be filled with anyone but you.  I don’t want to fall in love with any guy until you are my first love.  Please God, romance me.  Do whatever it takes.  I want to be yours and I want to see you as mine, I want to see you as my lover.’

     A couple days ago God told me this, ‘I am the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit’.  God began to show me this other part of Him that I had not yet seen.  He reminded me that He isn’t just a Father, but He is also a Son.  He is Jesus, a prince, a lover! There is this whole part of God I wasn’t seeing, that I haven’t ever experienced before.  But now I have begun to see it.  I am beginning to see the way God has been pursuing me, as a Prince, a lover.  

    I have no idea what happens next, but I can’t help but feel an excitement start to build in me.  I have been waiting to feel this way for a while now and I don’t know if I really believe it’s actually happening.  But I’m willing and waiting for the next step and all I can say is, romance me oh lover of my soul.

I Lack Nothing

     I have conformed to a pattern of this world.  I have been believing that I need to provide for myself or else I will have nothing.  I have been depending on myself for everything I need. 

     I have been reading the book of Isaiah, and wow.  I wasn’t expecting God to show me so much so quickly.  By the second chapter God began showing me that when you have many possessions and riches you slowly stop depending on Him.  You stop depending on Him to provide what you need and you start bowing down to the things you have and the things that you don’t have.

    When I came back to Costa Rica I packed for one month, nothing more.  Here I am, a month and a half later and still in here, planning on being here for a little while longer.  One of the first thoughts I had about staying was ‘I have nothing, what am I going to do? How can I get my things from Canada to Costa Rica? How I am I going to stay here with nothing?’.  I right way began to think that I lacked.  

     Recently God told me this ‘when I provide for you, you will lack nothing’.  Immediately I began to question this.  How is this possible?  I will always need something, shampoo, new music, food, and who knows what else!  The list goes on! How can I lack nothing?  To me this seemed impossible.  But then God began to show me something, He began to speak to me.

     ‘My daughter, the things of this earth are meaningless.  When you provide for yourself you begin to create idols and then you bow down to them.  But if you allow me to be your provider you will never lack anything.  I know exactly what you need.  I will not let you go without.  If you trust me in this area you will begin to see that all you need is exactly what I give you and nothing more.  Let Me be your great Provider.’

     These words that God spoke to me began to make sense.  I will always want what I cannot have when I am providing for myself, I will never have enough.  But if I allow God to provide for me, He sees the need, He fills it and then bang, I lack nothing.  I want to know the real feeling of contentment. 

     I didn’t ever think I would be thankful for the little amount of stuff I brought with me to Costa Rica, but here I am, thanking God.  If I had brought anything else with me I might not have been able to understand this revelation that God is giving me.  I might have been too busy bowing down to the possessions that I have.  But thankfully, here I am, finding myself looking to God and feeling content, content with two weeks’ worth of clothes, a laptop, a bible and notebook, and enough shampoo for one more shower.  I have everything I need.  Thank you Lord.

‘Surely the great houses will become desolate, the fine mansions left without occupants.’  Isaiah 5:9

Soaking in the Love

          God’s love, it changes you and you can’t ever be the same.  Each time I encounter God’s love I am inspired to go deeper.  Deeper into everything that God is, and what is God?  Love. So here I am wanting to know more love, wanting to feel love in a new way, and wanting to express love in a new way.  I just want to love, in everything that I say, in everything that I do.  I just want to give more love and give it unconditionally, to whoever.  Even to those who are different then me, even to those who hate me!   

         ‘Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.   And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’    Matthew 22:37-39

         Love the Lord your God and love your neighbour.  This has always been a struggle for me.  Not the part about loving God, but about loving my neighbour.  I don’t know how it all began, but somehow, sometime I was taught that there are people who are easy to love, people who take a little bit longer to love and people who just aren’t lovable at all.  How awful!   Why was I ever taught this? How did this even become a thought process in my mind?

          God has done a lot in my life this year.  He’s taught me a lot about His love.  And the more I learned about His love, the more I wanted to know, the deeper I wanted to go into it.  So as I explored His love and went deeper, I began to understand something.  I began to understand that the more love I felt, the more love I wanted to share.  I began to see those people who aren’t lovable, as lovable.  I began to have this passion to love those people who I never thought I could love.  

         When you truly begin to love someone you start to change your way of thinking for them.  You allow their love to soak everything you are.  God love is a love so strong, stronger than any human love that you cannot help but be different because of it.  You cannot help but see things differently after you’ve been completely drenched in His love.

God is pouring His love down on me, it's soaking me, every part of me.