Daring to Live on the Edge

''Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?''  - Matthew 6:26

     In one of Loren Cunningham's books, daring to live on the edge, he says that we are to be as carefree as the birds. This little statement really made me think, am I trusting God so much that I am living as carefree as a bird? Is that even possible? One thing that I have been learning since being back on the mission field is that you cannot depend on yourself for finances, and you cannot depend on others.  The only one who you can truly depend on is God, He is the creator of everything, he owns it all. It would make logical sense to depend on him. 

     But for me depending on Him has been one of the hardest things, especially in the last couple months. For the last two years I have been providing for everything that I needed. I worked hard so that I could pay for rent, buy some food and have a little extra for fun things with friends. I depended only on myself, so much so that it was even hard for me to ask a friend for a ride. I would rather walk if I could, because I wanted to be able to do it myself. My pride level was through the roof. 

     In the last couple weeks God has been challenging me to be dependent on Him. He began by showing me how full of pride I really was, and how being so dependent on myself wasn't healthy AND that it wasn't going to work in the lifestyle He is calling me to. I'm not called to a 9 to 5 job where I have a set income. He's calling me to something different and because of this He was challenging me to ask myself, ''do I feel as carefree as the birds?''

    I didn't even hesitate with the answer to the question, I knew right away that I was not that carefree. I began thinking, here I am in Costa Rica, with my little saving going down quickly, with students unable to pay for their school fees and a future ahead where I know I am called to be a missionary and no money for that. How could I possibly feel as carefree as the birds? Where was the money going to come from if I didn't work first and prepare? How could any of this ever be possible?

     Thankfully God knows all about our fears and stubborn ways. He cares about our hearts and He desires for them to be completely his. I didn't realize it at first but God started surrounding me with people who had great testimonies of God's faithfulness in finances. Stories that blew me away. Stories that made me want to experience God's radical faithfulness. After hearing story after story, something inside of me that was stirred. I began feeling a great longing to actually be as carefree as a bird and to experience God's financial faithfulness in my life.

     If my God created the world and if He holds it all in His hands, than why can't I be that carefree and experience that? God has been stirring up something inside of me that desires to be fully dependent on Him. I found myself looking forward to the moment when I would run out of money and when there was nothing else to do but wait on Him to provide what I need. 

     I have been reading about God's faithfulness, in the Bible and in the lives of others all over the world. And looking back I have even seen his faithfulness and provision in my own life in the past. I am beginning to truly believe that I can be fully dependent on Him and that I don't have to worry about where the money or food is going to come from. I don't have to worry about where he has called me or what he is calling me to do, because I know that he is going for provide for it. I know that there are things He will ask me to do or say to release what I need, but I know that I can be fully dependent on him. 

     It's terribly scary! But also extremely exciting! I'm just now at a point where I am actually asking God, ''Okay, provide my next meal because I haven't got a penny." As much as I am terrified to not know where that next meal is going to come from, I have this peace in my heart and I know that He is going to take care of me. I know that He is a good Father to his children! So although it is scary, I won't let that stop me from being excited to see how He will provide in the days and years ahead.

I look forward to the day I can share my stories here about God's faithful provision in my life!

A New Year, New Promises

     This year has been full of surprises. Some days I wake up and I just can't believe I am in Costa Rica again. If you would have asked me at the end of 2014 if I was going back to Costa Rica I would have probably said, 'only to visit!', but God had and still has so many great plans for me. This year hasn't even been close to what I imagined it was going to be.

     Many of you know that at the beginning of the year I packed up my apartment back in Ontario and I headed out to the West to live with my sisters in Cochrane, Alberta. It was a pretty quick decision to move, I as struggling with feelings of having no purpose, that God had abandoned me and that things were just going to stay the same and not ever change.

     I was so tired of working at Tim Hortons, feeling like I couldn't do anything better with my life. I felt like all my purpose in life was gone. Of course there were so many good things happening at the same time, I was close to my family, I was surrounded by the greatest of friends, I was serving with the youth and involved with worship... but all those things didn't give me a purpose, something worth living for. They were, and still are, just a part of my life. Something I was doing or something I had. Not something I was living for.

     And for a time I just lost all desire to seek out the Lord. I felt like he brought be back to Canada and then left me, forgot about me.  But now I see it was the exact opposite. I had gone to Canada and left him, forgot about him. I filled my time with all things Hannah. I was running away from Him because all I wanted was to be somewhere safe, doing something that I knew I could do, being with people that I knew liked me.  I was hurt and scared away from what he had called me to do because I had let the enemies lies become the truth that I believed.Of course I've only realized these things in the last couple months being back here in Costa Rica.  

     When I decided to move out West it was because I had told God I was sick of the way things were and that I would give everything up for him, if he would just show up in my life again. So I went out West to focus, to clear my mind and get away from everything that I was using to distract myself from him. I wanted to be able to hear him and to have time to understand what he was saying without being distracted. 

And man, Alberta was amazing. God blew me away.

     He began at the very beginning, it was like I was in sunday school again and God was the teacher. He began teaching me very shortly after I arrived.  The moment I saw the Rocky Mountains God spoke to me of how huge and mighty he is. The mountains were huuuugge! And every time I looked at them God would say to me "Hannah, I pulled all those mountains up into the sky with only one of my hands!". I don't know how that effects you, but man, I wanted to cry. His hand is bigger then a mountain! I am so small and he is so big, so mighty, so amazing. I was in awe of him. 

     HOPE, hope was the biggest thing God taught me in Alberta. I had been struggling with the feeling of having no purpose and nothing to live for. For several months prior to moving out West I had been desperately longing for God to show me what hope was. One night I was listening to a Francis Chan sermon and was just writing out what I had learned from it, and God began to give me the biggest revelation of hope I have ever had. 

     Hope is the knowledge of getting to spend eternity with Jesus. My time on earth is so small compared to life after death and as a follower of Jesus I am a citizen of heaven,  I am called to make my home there in heaven, not here on earth. There I have a great purpose, building my eternity with the one I love. I don't live this life on earth thinking that one day I am going to die and it is all over. I get to live this life on earth knowing that what I sow here on earth, I will reap after death in eternity with Jesus himself, the one I love. 

     Perspective change! I am living for something so much greater and my hope is is Jesus and his promises.

     There were some other little things that God showed me during my time in Alberta. But what I have shared here were the ones that had the biggest effect on my me. I was seriously just blown away with God and the way that he spoke to me. And my response to him was, 'whatever you want me to do, where ever you want me to go, I will go. I will follow you till the end.'