Here it is, here I am, again. I find myself in this place all too often. Feeling a distance, a distance I know I’ve created. Here I am staring at a wall, an all too familiar wall, a wall that keeps getting higher and higher. It’s unclimbable now. What am I supposed to do? I stand there, staring at it, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for something to move or to be said. I wish I had the words or the actions to do something… but my mind is blank and my ability to move is gone.
After days, weeks of staring, of just
going, I start to hear something… something that’s unfortunately very familiar
and very much unwanted...
“Hannah is alone. Alone and unwanted.
Alone, unwanted and falling out of control. Hannah will be forever alone and
forever forgotten.”
Oh the things I hear inside my head make
me burn with anger. I become angry because I know that what is being said isn’t
true. It’s all a lie. I am not alone, for God is with me. I am wanted, God
wants me, He has plans for my life. He is in control, therefore I will never be
let go. I am not alone or forgotten.
But then why? Why do I feel so alone and
unwanted? Why do I feel like I am slowly losing all sanity? WHY AM I STILL STARIING AT THIS WALL?
I see it everywhere. In different ways,
with different people. I see the pain, confusion, depression and loneliness. I
see people looking for answers, looking for ways out, looking for things to
fill those huge holes within us. I see it everywhere. In my family and friends, even amongst the
strangers I walk past. I see it everywhere, yet it’s unheard of. I see it
everywhere, but I am the only person who has it.
It’s
the unspoken secret.
So I sit here thinking about why it’s such
a secret, why it hurts so much if it’s such a lie, and why do we even have God
and people in our lives if we never connect with them and share what’s truly in
our hearts. Aren’t we called to share each other’s burdens?
I’ve been back in Canada for six months
now and I feel more alone then I did when I first arrived home. But I know that
this is just as much my fault as it is anyone else’s. How can I share about who I am and what I am struggling
with when no one around me does? How can I open up if I don’t feel comfortable?
Again I am attacked with lies, because there are people who share, but am I
listening to them. And who cares if you’re comfortable or not, God calls me to
be transparent and live in the light. Yes I know easier said than done, but am
I living for myself or God? Am I living to please my neighbour or God?
So now I ask myself, how do I break down
this wall and live in the freedom God has for me? As I think answer for me become
clear. Right now my answer is to share
my struggles, my fears and even my desires, I need to be transparent.
So here I go, wall breakdown part one. The
painful process of being transparent.
Since grade 11, I have struggled with
reading sexually graphic romance novels (I believe this is a form of porn for a
woman) and masturbation. I am imperfect, but I know that God has forgiven me
and that together He and I will get through, and one day I will be completely
free. It’s unfortunately a huge temptation in my life still today, but I
continue to bring it to the cross.
A fear that I have is that I will be forever
alone. Unfortunately, like a lot of woman, I struggle with feeling not very
beautiful, I think more on the weight side of things. I have always felt that
if I was just a little bit smaller… unfortunately I just can’t give up
chocolate. But I fear being single for the rest of my life, even though
everyone tells me I won’t and that being single is good and to enjoy it and
blah, blah, blah. God and I are working at this, and I know that all I need is
Him, so I am working to be okay with that. But again, it’s hard and it’s huge.
And last but not least, one of my biggest
desires is why I am writing this. I want to be transparent with people, because
I want people to be transparent to me. I want to be able to help people, to
listen, to love. I have a desire to reach out to people and to love them fiercely,
no matter who they are or what they’ve been through. But it’s hard when you don’t
first open up.
So
there you go, part one (for I am sure there will be other parts). When I sat
down this morning to write, I had no idea that this is what I had in my head or
heart. But I know God has a plan, and He speaks to me so much through my own
writings. My prayer is that He would speak to your heart and that you would
open up to someone and share what’s really in your heart.
Oh
Lord, inspire us all to be transparent.
