Be Fair, Be Gentle

     You look at me with eyes as piercing as darts. I desire to look away, fearing that you will pierce straight into the darkest depths of this heart.

     As you move towards me I am reminded of a couple slow dancing behind closed doors, its slow and sweet, tender and gentle, but also passionate and thick. I watch as you dance around my heart, luring it in and caressing it softly. Your eyes tell me that you know the depths of this heart, that none of it is a mystery for you, that you know and understand it all. I feel you moving in, slowly, but steadily, touching every part along the way as you make your towards the deepest depth.

     But I need you to know, this heart isn´t in its original condition. There are bruises on every side, open wounds that are still weeping, and pieces that are missing with no way to ever be found. There is also this ache.. this constant ache that burns in the depths, it burns as constant as the waves crashing upon the shore. It reminds me again and again that this heart is not well and that it wont ever be.

    As you begin to dance close, a feeling of panic wells up inside of me. The dreaded fear arises, that the nasty mess of this heart will be seen, causing the dance to end and then increasing the burning ache within.

     The walls go up and all the gates close. I pull away, hoping to save a little of what is left of this bruised heart. I try everything that I know to escape your gaze, to escape the darts that are aimed for this heart. But nothing works, to every direction that I turn, I find your gaze there. When I close these eyes, you are there in front of me. I find that I cannot escape you, no matter how hard I try.

     What am I to do? I fear that if your dart hits the right place, then I will be lost forever, that this heart wont ever recover. That the burn will over take me.

     So be fair, be gentle. If I cannot run, if I cannot hide.. be fair, be gentle and please don´t break me.

Daring to Live on the Edge

''Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?''  - Matthew 6:26

     In one of Loren Cunningham's books, daring to live on the edge, he says that we are to be as carefree as the birds. This little statement really made me think, am I trusting God so much that I am living as carefree as a bird? Is that even possible? One thing that I have been learning since being back on the mission field is that you cannot depend on yourself for finances, and you cannot depend on others.  The only one who you can truly depend on is God, He is the creator of everything, he owns it all. It would make logical sense to depend on him. 

     But for me depending on Him has been one of the hardest things, especially in the last couple months. For the last two years I have been providing for everything that I needed. I worked hard so that I could pay for rent, buy some food and have a little extra for fun things with friends. I depended only on myself, so much so that it was even hard for me to ask a friend for a ride. I would rather walk if I could, because I wanted to be able to do it myself. My pride level was through the roof. 

     In the last couple weeks God has been challenging me to be dependent on Him. He began by showing me how full of pride I really was, and how being so dependent on myself wasn't healthy AND that it wasn't going to work in the lifestyle He is calling me to. I'm not called to a 9 to 5 job where I have a set income. He's calling me to something different and because of this He was challenging me to ask myself, ''do I feel as carefree as the birds?''

    I didn't even hesitate with the answer to the question, I knew right away that I was not that carefree. I began thinking, here I am in Costa Rica, with my little saving going down quickly, with students unable to pay for their school fees and a future ahead where I know I am called to be a missionary and no money for that. How could I possibly feel as carefree as the birds? Where was the money going to come from if I didn't work first and prepare? How could any of this ever be possible?

     Thankfully God knows all about our fears and stubborn ways. He cares about our hearts and He desires for them to be completely his. I didn't realize it at first but God started surrounding me with people who had great testimonies of God's faithfulness in finances. Stories that blew me away. Stories that made me want to experience God's radical faithfulness. After hearing story after story, something inside of me that was stirred. I began feeling a great longing to actually be as carefree as a bird and to experience God's financial faithfulness in my life.

     If my God created the world and if He holds it all in His hands, than why can't I be that carefree and experience that? God has been stirring up something inside of me that desires to be fully dependent on Him. I found myself looking forward to the moment when I would run out of money and when there was nothing else to do but wait on Him to provide what I need. 

     I have been reading about God's faithfulness, in the Bible and in the lives of others all over the world. And looking back I have even seen his faithfulness and provision in my own life in the past. I am beginning to truly believe that I can be fully dependent on Him and that I don't have to worry about where the money or food is going to come from. I don't have to worry about where he has called me or what he is calling me to do, because I know that he is going for provide for it. I know that there are things He will ask me to do or say to release what I need, but I know that I can be fully dependent on him. 

     It's terribly scary! But also extremely exciting! I'm just now at a point where I am actually asking God, ''Okay, provide my next meal because I haven't got a penny." As much as I am terrified to not know where that next meal is going to come from, I have this peace in my heart and I know that He is going to take care of me. I know that He is a good Father to his children! So although it is scary, I won't let that stop me from being excited to see how He will provide in the days and years ahead.

I look forward to the day I can share my stories here about God's faithful provision in my life!

A New Year, New Promises

     This year has been full of surprises. Some days I wake up and I just can't believe I am in Costa Rica again. If you would have asked me at the end of 2014 if I was going back to Costa Rica I would have probably said, 'only to visit!', but God had and still has so many great plans for me. This year hasn't even been close to what I imagined it was going to be.

     Many of you know that at the beginning of the year I packed up my apartment back in Ontario and I headed out to the West to live with my sisters in Cochrane, Alberta. It was a pretty quick decision to move, I as struggling with feelings of having no purpose, that God had abandoned me and that things were just going to stay the same and not ever change.

     I was so tired of working at Tim Hortons, feeling like I couldn't do anything better with my life. I felt like all my purpose in life was gone. Of course there were so many good things happening at the same time, I was close to my family, I was surrounded by the greatest of friends, I was serving with the youth and involved with worship... but all those things didn't give me a purpose, something worth living for. They were, and still are, just a part of my life. Something I was doing or something I had. Not something I was living for.

     And for a time I just lost all desire to seek out the Lord. I felt like he brought be back to Canada and then left me, forgot about me.  But now I see it was the exact opposite. I had gone to Canada and left him, forgot about him. I filled my time with all things Hannah. I was running away from Him because all I wanted was to be somewhere safe, doing something that I knew I could do, being with people that I knew liked me.  I was hurt and scared away from what he had called me to do because I had let the enemies lies become the truth that I believed.Of course I've only realized these things in the last couple months being back here in Costa Rica.  

     When I decided to move out West it was because I had told God I was sick of the way things were and that I would give everything up for him, if he would just show up in my life again. So I went out West to focus, to clear my mind and get away from everything that I was using to distract myself from him. I wanted to be able to hear him and to have time to understand what he was saying without being distracted. 

And man, Alberta was amazing. God blew me away.

     He began at the very beginning, it was like I was in sunday school again and God was the teacher. He began teaching me very shortly after I arrived.  The moment I saw the Rocky Mountains God spoke to me of how huge and mighty he is. The mountains were huuuugge! And every time I looked at them God would say to me "Hannah, I pulled all those mountains up into the sky with only one of my hands!". I don't know how that effects you, but man, I wanted to cry. His hand is bigger then a mountain! I am so small and he is so big, so mighty, so amazing. I was in awe of him. 

     HOPE, hope was the biggest thing God taught me in Alberta. I had been struggling with the feeling of having no purpose and nothing to live for. For several months prior to moving out West I had been desperately longing for God to show me what hope was. One night I was listening to a Francis Chan sermon and was just writing out what I had learned from it, and God began to give me the biggest revelation of hope I have ever had. 

     Hope is the knowledge of getting to spend eternity with Jesus. My time on earth is so small compared to life after death and as a follower of Jesus I am a citizen of heaven,  I am called to make my home there in heaven, not here on earth. There I have a great purpose, building my eternity with the one I love. I don't live this life on earth thinking that one day I am going to die and it is all over. I get to live this life on earth knowing that what I sow here on earth, I will reap after death in eternity with Jesus himself, the one I love. 

     Perspective change! I am living for something so much greater and my hope is is Jesus and his promises.

     There were some other little things that God showed me during my time in Alberta. But what I have shared here were the ones that had the biggest effect on my me. I was seriously just blown away with God and the way that he spoke to me. And my response to him was, 'whatever you want me to do, where ever you want me to go, I will go. I will follow you till the end.'

Desperate for Rain

It has been months since I’ve had the urge to write. But tonight it was back. Hallelujah!

Sometimes we go through the desert, where everything dries up and the path we are walking on seems to disappear and look unfamiliar. And the lively heart becomes tired and weak. Confusion and desperation come in and cloud your judgement, and you begin to panic and run or stand still. You forget all that you know; you begin to lose yourself in anything that seems slightly familiar and safe.

I’ve found myself here recently. Totally desperate and completely confused. Wondering in circles. It took a long time to see that I was even here, lost in the desert. I just kept thinking ‘just keep going a little bit farther and you’ll find that path again and you’ll be back on track’. I didn’t think I was so stubborn, HA, was I wrong. For months I just kept going, I just kept thinking, “Hey, I’m fine, I’m fine.. I’ll make it, only a little bit farther.” but then I began to realize that nothing makes sense and that every path I was take just brings me back to the same spot.

And tonight I’m finally admitting it... I’m so lost.

I’m so confused.
I’m frustrated

I’m exhausted

I have no idea where I’m going.

“Here I am God. Here I am. Broken. Beat up. Hurting. Desperate. I need you. My weakness is too great. So here I am. Take control. Take my life. Have me, all of me”

Oh goodness, there is something SO powerful in admitting your weak and that you need Him.  When you allow Him to be alive in your life, wow, watch out! He moves.

Tonight He moved. He showed me something so simple, but so very profound for me.

John 5:15

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

Bam, bam!

He is the vine.

I am a branch.

Without Him, I can do nothing. I can be nothing. I am nothing.

I might not know what I’m doing next or where I am going to be. But the one thing I know, and really the only thing I need, is Him. I need Him. Lots of Him. And only Him. I guess it’s time to let him prune this branch! And willingly I will let Him, because I desperately want to be back on His path

Oh man, I feel like it rained in my bedroom tonight!

Breaking Down the Wall

     Here it is, here I am, again. I find myself in this place all too often. Feeling a distance, a distance I know I’ve created. Here I am staring at a wall, an all too familiar wall, a wall that keeps getting higher and higher. It’s unclimbable now. What am I supposed to do? I stand there, staring at it, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for something to move or to be said. I wish I had the words or the actions to do something… but my mind is blank and my ability to move is gone.

     After days, weeks of staring, of just going, I start to hear something… something that’s unfortunately very familiar and very much unwanted...

     “Hannah is alone. Alone and unwanted. Alone, unwanted and falling out of control. Hannah will be forever alone and forever forgotten.”

     Oh the things I hear inside my head make me burn with anger. I become angry because I know that what is being said isn’t true. It’s all a lie. I am not alone, for God is with me. I am wanted, God wants me, He has plans for my life. He is in control, therefore I will never be let go. I am not alone or forgotten.

     But then why? Why do I feel so alone and unwanted? Why do I feel like I am slowly losing all sanity? WHY AM I  STILL STARIING AT THIS WALL?

     I see it everywhere. In different ways, with different people. I see the pain, confusion, depression and loneliness. I see people looking for answers, looking for ways out, looking for things to fill those huge holes within us. I see it everywhere.  In my family and friends, even amongst the strangers I walk past. I see it everywhere, yet it’s unheard of. I see it everywhere, but I am the only person who has it.

It’s the unspoken secret.

     So I sit here thinking about why it’s such a secret, why it hurts so much if it’s such a lie, and why do we even have God and people in our lives if we never connect with them and share what’s truly in our hearts. Aren’t we called to share each other’s burdens?  

     I’ve been back in Canada for six months now and I feel more alone then I did when I first arrived home. But I know that this is just as much my fault as it is anyone else’s.  How can I share about who I am and what I am struggling with when no one around me does? How can I open up if I don’t feel comfortable? Again I am attacked with lies, because there are people who share, but am I listening to them. And who cares if you’re comfortable or not, God calls me to be transparent and live in the light. Yes I know easier said than done, but am I living for myself or God? Am I living to please my neighbour or God?

     So now I ask myself, how do I break down this wall and live in the freedom God has for me? As I think answer for me become clear.  Right now my answer is to share my struggles, my fears and even my desires, I need to be transparent.

     So here I go, wall breakdown part one. The painful process of being transparent.

     Since grade 11, I have struggled with reading sexually graphic romance novels (I believe this is a form of porn for a woman) and masturbation. I am imperfect, but I know that God has forgiven me and that together He and I will get through, and one day I will be completely free. It’s unfortunately a huge temptation in my life still today, but I continue to bring it to the cross.

    A fear that I have is that I will be forever alone. Unfortunately, like a lot of woman, I struggle with feeling not very beautiful, I think more on the weight side of things. I have always felt that if I was just a little bit smaller… unfortunately I just can’t give up chocolate. But I fear being single for the rest of my life, even though everyone tells me I won’t and that being single is good and to enjoy it and blah, blah, blah. God and I are working at this, and I know that all I need is Him, so I am working to be okay with that. But again, it’s hard and it’s huge.

     And last but not least, one of my biggest desires is why I am writing this. I want to be transparent with people, because I want people to be transparent to me. I want to be able to help people, to listen, to love. I have a desire to reach out to people and to love them fiercely, no matter who they are or what they’ve been through. But it’s hard when you don’t first open up.

     So there you go, part one (for I am sure there will be other parts). When I sat down this morning to write, I had no idea that this is what I had in my head or heart. But I know God has a plan, and He speaks to me so much through my own writings. My prayer is that He would speak to your heart and that you would open up to someone and share what’s really in your heart.

Oh Lord, inspire us all to be transparent.

What am I fighting for?

     We are constantly fighting.  There is always a battle going on. In our mind, our heart, even right before us in reality. I feel like I am always fighting. The question I found myself thinking about is what am I fighting for? Am I fighting for my own plans and desires, the desires of my flesh? Or am I fighting for the plans and desires of the Holy One?

     What am I fighting for?

     I have found that it is so much easier to fight for the desires of my flesh then to fight for the desires of the Holy One. I always start on the right side; listening for Him to speak to me, to direct me, waiting for Him to plant in my heart His plans. But once He does that. I stop listening. What happens to a solider when He stops listening to the commands of his commander?

     I find myself only ever listening to the first command. After I hear that first command, after He shows me a glimpse of His heart, I stop listening. I begin to make my own plans, based off of what He has said, but I no longer leave room for His direction. So very quickly I find myself changing sides. I find myself fighting for what I want, for what I desire. And all too quickly I find myself fighting against the One who I wanted to be fighting with.

     “Seek, inquire for, and require for the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his ways and the unrighteous man His thoughts; and let him return to the Lord, and He will have love, pity and mercy for him, and to our God, He will multiply to him His abundant pardon. For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, say the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:6-9

     His abundance of mercy and grace leave me in awe. I fight against Him so often, most times not even realizing that I am doing it, but even then, He oh so gently reminds me to call upon Him and that my ways, my thought are not His.

New Beginnings

     “Hannah, don’t build me into your life. Instead build your life around me.”

This was something God spoke to me a while back, but at that time I didn’t understand why He was saying it to me. 

     Change happens in a blink of an eye. Everything that was once familiar to you has changed and you have to start again, from scratch. It’s not a bad thing; to be honest it’s actually something I wanted.  To be in a situation where the only thing familiar to you is God and the only thing you have around you that you can cling to is God. He’s the only thing that didn’t change when you blinked, but then, Satan and his lies haven’t changed… have they?

      So now starting from scratch, what do I choose? How am I going to rebuild my life? What are my options, what do I want?  And then I found myself in a place of confusion and pain. That is when the ever present, ever constant voice spoke and said something every familiar ‘Hannah, don’t build me into your life. Instead build your life around me’. The same words spoken to me in March, while I was home visiting Canada.  Now here I am four months later trying to rebuild my life in the very place the Lord spoke those words to me.

     My response? ‘Lord teach me, show me how to build my life around you, I am yours forever and always’.